Suggestions, Anyone?

When Diabetes came into my life, it changed everything. Even though personally I'm still trying to deal with this objectively as something that must be managed -- like any other condition such as hayfever, high blood pressure, etc -- I'm still rejecting the notion of a label. I might be coping with it, trying to adapt to it, but it's not what I am.

Does anyone else feel this way? Can you treat it objectively without emotion?

I try not to be angry. Even though it bothers me to take the medication every day. It bothers me because I don't really know what those pills are doing to me. I can't seem to understand why they must be taken every single day -- for the rest of my life. It bothers me every time the doctor refers to Diabetes as "a wasting disease" -- as if it's my fault somehow. As if I did something to bring this on. But I didn't. I've always been careful. Always avoided bad habits. Always tried to make the right decisions regarding my health -- even when people all around me did the opposite -- including my parents.

And because this strategy seemed to work, for the most part -- no hospital stays, no incapacitating illnesses, nothing to slow me down or interfere with my life (and feeling fine almost all the time except for an occasional cold or bout with the flu) -- I felt good about the choices I had made.

This whole thing came upon me unexpectedly. I've always been a healthy person. All the way up to age fifty, I still felt pretty much the same as I did at thirty. I kept my weight within a certain range, got plenty of sleep, tried to eat right, brushed and flossed my teeth every day.

It bothers me that now, all of a sudden, I have to take pills every day. I've stopped checking my blood ever since my doctor upped my medication level. (I never needed a doctor before, so I'm really not that thrilled about having one. I don't trust doctors. I know how things work. How everyone has to make money. He's younger than me, and I don't like that either. Everyone said this would happen, as you get older. Suddenly, all the "decision makers" -- people providing healthcare, running companies, all the people "in charge" of everything seem to be younger -- and I don't trust their ability to make the right decision.)

So, here I am, trying to do the right thing. Trying to listen to my wife -- she always gives good advice, and she's usually right most of the time -- but sometimes I wish she wasn't. I wish I had another choice.

It's an unpleasant reality. It seems that I'm forced to recognize who the power brokers are -- the young people with money or influence which enables them to control others. Any more, my age is no longer an asset, but a handicap. I'm over fifty, and suddenly that means I'm not worth as much as before. I'm someone to push around, give orders to, someone who must buckle under, give in to other people's demands -- or they'll kick me to the curb.

I'm trying to maintain my self-esteem. Trying to keep a stiff upper lip. Trying to fight the good fight. Tell myself it's best to keep working, be a "team player" because it keeps me on the team. I see other people doing this all the time.

Very few people are able to make it on their own. I've researched and researched, looking for ways to support myself, access my own skills and abilities, try to find a way to make money from home, perform a service or create items of value that would give me independence -- give me the choice to stay home and still pay my bills. I'm working on several possibilities.

I don't want to be one of those people still punching the clock at age 65. I don't want to be totally dependent on someone else until the day that I die. I've heard stories about too many other people getting pushed out of their careers by someone younger who thinks they know a better way to do things.

I keep thinking someone has figured this out. There must be an example I can follow.

Others read this blog, besides me. I see the numbers. Surely, they have dealt with these kinds of questions. Diabetes has simply brought it more to my attention. I'm focused more now than ever before. There must be an answer.

Okay. Any suggestions?