Keepin' it Real

My job keeps me on the road quite a bit these days. And it changes one's perspective. Downtime in the car allows my mind to roam. I find myself asking questions about where I am (in life) and where I'd like to be.

My wife used to say that our lives are divided in phases of about 25 years (give or take a few). The first 25, we grow up, get an education, get married and have kids. The second, we strive to acquire a home, raise our kids and plan for retirement. The third, (hopefully) we establish an exit strategy from our careers, watch our kids get married, and enjoy what's left before old age takes hold, zapping our energy and strength.

Not everything goes according to plan. With graduate school and career bumps, it took me until age 36 to clear phase one. Right now, I'm somewhere between phase 2 and 3. My age was never much of a concern until now. Diabetes is making me feel old. It's a sign of mortality that I hadn't anticipated.

Since the moment I graduated from college, I heard financial planners say, "Invest in your retirement". But for me, it was never possible. Between repayment of student loans and trying to keep a roof over my head, there was never enough to put aside. I tried setting up an IRA once, but it never grew much, because I could not make regular contributions. Then I was self employed for a while. Finally, I ended up cashing it out after 10 years to solve a money crunch.

An employer's 401K did enable to me to acquire a small nest egg over a period of about 4 years, but I could not survive on it for more than six months. So retirement is out of the question right now. (I still have a goal in mind, about ten years down the road.)

Many people over fifty are seeing their plans go awry. Forced out before retirement age, using up their savings prematurely, seeking work for less pay simply to cover the bills.

This brings me back to those long commutes, wrestling with myself in the car. I keep trying to assess my skills and consider the possibilities. Every one of us has untapped potential. Avenues we elected not to pursue early in life, that may still be explored, if we are brave enough to try.

Ever read about people 'starting over' at forty...or fifty? Some do. They finally pour their efforts into some dream they once harbored, finding success at last, doing something they really love. (For me, it was always art.)

So I'm wondering if this newfound awareness of my mortality should motivate me to pursue a dream. Not in a foolish way. Not chucking my 'day job' without something to fall back on. But taking the time available to me, on nights and weekends, to develop my skills and find an outlet.

My art ability was something I never really learned, because it came naturally. And though I pursued it with great intensity as a youth in many ways (drawing, painting, sculpting, movie make-up, film-making), when it came time to choose a college major, I chose a career in healthcare because I was afraid of wasting my parents' money.

Every so often I would dabble in art, to see if the skill was still there. Incredibly, the talent survives.

Fear is a great obstacle. Diabetes, in a way, is forcing me to confront my fears. I stayed away from art out of fear. Fear of failure. But now I'm ready to try it again. Because I see other people doing it every day.

I was always afraid of oil painting. I thought it might be too hard to learn. Too complicated. Too expensive. Recently, I acquired some oil paints and created my first work of art in that medium. It was time consuming, yes, but not difficult. I already possess an eye for color and composition. All I have to do is apply it.

So now, I'm ready for more.

I keep thinking, maybe this is what I'm supposed to do. Explore a god-given talent while I still possess enough strength and enthusiasm to do so. Make it part of my reality.

Maybe that's what "Keepin' it Real" should mean for me.