For Life

So now I'm getting this picture that Diabetes will be with me for the rest of my days. It turns out my brother has been dealing with this longer than I thought. At a family birthday party he just told me it has been twenty years. And he's not on one medication, but three. That's more than I wanted to hear.

I can understand why my mother never spoke about it. She had other health problems and did not want to burden anyone. And I guess I appreciate that. Some people open up to total strangers the minute they meet, going on and on about their conditions and medications and surgeries. I've always been more private.

For me, it's only been two months. So I have a lot to learn. My general approach to this whole thing so far has been to treat it as "no big deal". Take what steps are necessary and move on. (Secretly I keep hoping it will correct itself and go away.)

My self image has changed, but I still want to believe I'm the same person. And I don't like labels. So I don't really want others to relate to me as a "Diabetic".

My sister (the nurse) asked, "How do you feel?" Now I know exactly what she meant. She wanted to know: How's the sugar thing? How's your eating? How's your readings? And I told her everything was fine. My vision gets better every day.

But how do I "feel" about my Type 2 diagnosis? Well, it helps me relate more to my grandmother (even though she was Type 1 and on my dad's side of the family) and my mother (Type 2, I'm pretty sure). They had to deal with this whole thing much longer. I understand their daily routine: testing their blood, taking their medication -- and watching their diet.

I still want to simplify as much as possible. That's why I only check my blood sugar once a day. I'm not ready (my favorite excuse) to deal with all the nuances. I don't want to think about fasting vs nonfasting, before meal vs after meal. I keep thinking, blood sugar must go up and down all the time, and most people probably never feel the difference. I don't want to go nuts. I just want to be somewhat normal.

A journey takes place step by step. I'm not trying to learn everything all at once. And I don't really want to become an expert. I'm just trying to come to grips with what it all means.

My weight, for example. Before this happened, I had always tried to keep it within a range of about 180 to 200 pounds (sometimes higher, sometimes lower) but was never too strict with myself. For years, like most people, I maintained a constant "goal" of wanting to lose ten or twenty, thinking it would be just enough to make me look younger.

Then it happened without trying, and people started to notice. But it was more negative than positive. Not "Hey, you must be working out," but "You don't look the same," like they suspected something might be wrong. So now I'm about twenty pounds lighter than I used to be. Even had to buy smaller jeans and shorts, to keep them from falling off. And since I eat way less sugar than ever before, I'm wondering: Is this the way it's going to be?

We used to do things like picking up donuts for breakfast, stopping spur of the moment for ice cream, or grabbing pastry from the dessert section of the bakery. No more. None of these seem to have as much appeal, when you consider the possibility of spiking my blood sugar. Neither of us is comfortable with saying, "Oh, the hell with it."

My wife wants me to live longer, and so do I. Our mutual goal at this point is at least another twenty years. Neither one of us can bear the thought of living alone. (I'm hoping that financial security will come about through several projects, to free me up from the daily 9 to 5.)

Diabetes for Life? So be it. I'm planning to stay healthy -- for both of us.

No matter what it takes.