How Do You Feel

In the original Star Wars trilogy, Obiwan told Luke, "Trust your feelings" over everything else. Now, I've always been a little reluctant to do that. As a teenager, it seemed like feelings could get you in trouble mighty quick. I remember pop 40 music making me "feel" one way or another so often that I had to get away from it altogether. I didn't like the loss of control over my emotions.

I used to think that Spock had it made on Star Trek. If only there was a clear mental discipline that would enable each of us to know the right choice in every situation.

In my line of work, I deal with people every day. So many bring a mixture of emotion to their appointment, distressed over the problem they are having. A few accept responsibility for their condition (usually the result of poor choices or lack of self care) but most do not. They find reasons to blame someone else. Their parents never taught them healthy habits, or never took them to the doctor enough. Their job or their kids keep them running ragged, so they just don't have time to do what is right.

As a caregiver, I used to try to distance myself from all this emotional turmoil. No sense in getting myself involved (or so I thought). Partly, it was because I did not want them to transfer any blame to me. I did not want to get caught up in the whole process, carrying all that distress home with me every night. It was my goal to remain objective, focus on the problem at hand, try to offer solutions. Try to help them if I could.

But in the process of distancing myself, something was lost. I had trouble remembering people's names. And it took me a long time to recognize the importance of that. My wife knew, of course. She worked with me every day, and she knew every name. She remembered every detail of people's lives as well. I relied on her too much.

I've now been working in my field for over twenty years. But just recently, the whole concept of feelings came back into play. We were introduced to this concept by a speaker who encouraged us to ask people how they feel. Why? Because it seems to be at the heart of the decision-making process. If you can tap into a person's emotional state, it can help you discover what matters to them most and also help you to offer a better-fitting solution.

Fine, I said. And for the most part, it turns out to be true.

And I have tried to be more open to the feelings of others. Especially in the workplace. First, because it enables me to interact with them on a more personal level. Second, because it opens the door to better cooperation. Together, we achieve more.

But I still try not to think too much about my own feelings. I often dread the prospect of facing another workday. And I don't want them to "get in the way" of what I'm supposed to do.

So this brings me to how I feel about my type 2 Diabetes. I'm not angry. I don't resent it as some terrible thing that has happened or something I must try to get rid of. Because, of course, I can't. Experts say that, while it may be possible to prevent with healthy diet and exercise, it cannot be cured (although I'd like to prove them wrong).

I will not deny that this whole daily reading thing is a pain. And while I seem to feel better each time I get a good reading (yesterday was 117!) I still feel distressed when the number jumps for no apparent reason. And I cannot really distinguish one day from the other. Prior to that moment when blood is drawn, I feel about the same.

So now I'm wondering. Dealing with Diabetes must surely evoke a range of emotions in others. Maybe you try not to think about it. Or maybe it plays on your mind more than you'd like to admit.

How do you feel?